Back from the Shrink

12 Jan

I just got back from seeing my counsellor/psychiatrist. It was nice to have her worry about me, as egotistical as that sounds. And my best friend walked me to the health centre and back. I love her to bits ♥

I’ve been confiding my problems with the people at Cerulean Butterfly. I had forgotten how unbelievably supportive this community is. I love all my fellow butterflies ♥

I realize this sounds like a really lovey dovey sort of post. The thing with my bipolar is, I can sound like the world is crashing all around me one post, and the next, the world is so wonderful and great and I’m puking rainbows while riding the Nyan Cat. Woohoo.

On another note, I am absolutely in love with Audrey Hepburn ♥

Look at those collar bones! ♥♥♥

Feeling Like Crap :(

12 Jan

I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. Usually when I get up in the morning, my mood (on a scale of 0~10, 0 being super happy and 10 being “I’m going to jump out the nearest window) is around 5 or 6. That one time I got sent to the hospital was one of the very rare occasions where it was a 9. Today it’s a 8.

I managed to get up and eat and have my medication, but I just want to crawl up and go back to bed. I haven’t been able to go to classes this morning either.

I had a dream last night that I was 80 pounds and beautiful. And then for some reason, the dream me started slashing away at her wrists and she ended up passing out. I don’t know if she died or not. And then I woke with a major nosebleed so I had to jump off my bunk bed and into the bathroom. And I spent around 20 minutes with my head over the sink, watching the blood make pretty little pink splotches.

I have to wait until 3:30PM until I can see my counsellor for our weekly appointment. I was hoping that I would be able to see her and tell her how great this week has been for me. I mean, it has but not today. I feel like every time I make some progress, I hit a bump in the road and just fall back more and more.

I don’t even know why I keep this blog. Is anybody even reading this? What good is sharing if nobody is listening?

It’s snowing like crazy outside. I love fresh snow, how white it is and pristine and clean. It’s pretty.

First Day of Classes

10 Jan
Today was the first day of classes. It actually went pretty well. Though now I’m really hating myself for eating so much. Eugh. That’s the problem with hanging out with your friends all the time. When they eat, you can’t not eat or else they say something about it and then it feels like you’re ruining the mood.
My thinspiration for today? Twiggy! All time favourite model 🙂
On another note, I have a meeting with my counsellor this coming Thursday. I’m actually looking forward to it. I have a lot of things I have to discuss with her, including my bout of suicidal thoughts last night. :S

Support Group

9 Jan

I’ve joined a support group. A couple of warm welcomes already, that makes me happy 🙂

Not a very good day today apart from that though. I had a bout of suicidal thoughts earlier, and I couldn’t help but feel depressed in spite of the medication. I couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful the rivulets of blood streaming from my wrists would look. (I swear, I’m not an emo freak.) Plus, my head hurt from all the sleeping pills I took. And I lied to my best friend today; I told him that I had eaten a sandwich for dinner even though I didn’t. All I had today was 4 and a half crackers.

Anyways, here’s the link for the support group for anybody interested;
http://eating-disorder.supportgroups.com/

Back!

8 Jan

I’m finally back in my dorm room! Hurrah! Now, time for me to sleep some more. Never mind the 16 hours of sleep that I’ve already gotten. Screw jet lag.

On another note, I haven’t eaten anything for the last 3 days. This is really going to mess with my metabolism.

Long Way Home

6 Jan

I’m flying back to the States today. So excited! Of course, I’m sad to be leaving my family behind again, and I’m going to miss not having to do my own laundry and having my own piano to practice on. I think the last bit will be the hardest thing for me to get used to again; waiting in practice rooms for up to 30 minutes and running around frantically to find a practice room to practice in. It’s either that or waking up early and getting to the building before everybody else is awake, but I need my sleep.

On the other hand, I am looking forward to some things. Like meeting up with my friends, and eating what I want to eat when I want to eat it. I’m also actually looking forward to my classes (surprisingly), and also to my job. Now that I’m working more hours, I’ll be able to earn more money! I’m saving up money for a BJD (ball-jointed doll, nothing sexual here!) and for my trip to Japan in the summer. Also, not having a bathroom scale will be good for me I think. I won’t be hopping on it every 5 minutes like I did here.

It’s going to be long flight (or series of flights, I should say). It’s going to take about 2 complete days for me to get to my dorm room again once I leave the house here. But I’m just going to pop a few sleeping pills and pass out on the plane so it should go by pretty quickly.

Right now I’m weighing 50.3kg (or 110.89lbs for my American friends here). I should be able to go down to approximately 50kg (110.23lbs) or less in about a week or two. Excited!

Ramona P. Reed signing out now; I’ve got to pack and then will continue writing when I get back to the States!

Thigh Gap

4 Jan
A little bit of thinspiration today…
Thigh gap! Yes please, I want I want I want!

On a side note, soundtrack of the day: Brahms Piano Concerto No.2. Some intense stuff.