Feeling Like Crap :(

12 Jan

I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. Usually when I get up in the morning, my mood (on a scale of 0~10, 0 being super happy and 10 being “I’m going to jump out the nearest window) is around 5 or 6. That one time I got sent to the hospital was one of the very rare occasions where it was a 9. Today it’s a 8.

I managed to get up and eat and have my medication, but I just want to crawl up and go back to bed. I haven’t been able to go to classes this morning either.

I had a dream last night that I was 80 pounds and beautiful. And then for some reason, the dream me started slashing away at her wrists and she ended up passing out. I don’t know if she died or not. And then I woke with a major nosebleed so I had to jump off my bunk bed and into the bathroom. And I spent around 20 minutes with my head over the sink, watching the blood make pretty little pink splotches.

I have to wait until 3:30PM until I can see my counsellor for our weekly appointment. I was hoping that I would be able to see her and tell her how great this week has been for me. I mean, it has but not today. I feel like every time I make some progress, I hit a bump in the road and just fall back more and more.

I don’t even know why I keep this blog. Is anybody even reading this? What good is sharing if nobody is listening?

It’s snowing like crazy outside. I love fresh snow, how white it is and pristine and clean. It’s pretty.

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