Control

3 Jan

I’ve found that with my illnesses, control is a large factor, especially with my bipolar disorder. When you are no longer in control of your emotions, you compensate for this with excessive control over something else. With me, it’s my eating disorder. Without the total control of what I eat (or rather, don’t eat), I feel more accomplished and happy most of the time.

Right now, I can’t choose what I want to eat or not. Being home for the holidays, it’s up to my parents to choose for me what I eat and when I eat, and it’s impossible to skip meals around then. I can’t count calories either because I don’t know what goes in the foods that my mother prepares for me. When they take me out to expensive restaurants for extravagant buffets and such, I have to smile and pretend that I’m enjoying every bite that I take, because otherwise I would feel bad for being ungrateful.

I love my parents very much, but right now, all I can think of is how I’ll be flying back for school in just a few more days. There, nobody will know that I only consume 500 calories a day, and nobody will be telling me that I should gain a few pounds.

I’ve already gained 3 pounds since I got here for the break approximately 3 weeks ago. I want to be under 50kg again… 😦

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First Post and Introductions

3 Jan

I guess I ought to introduce myself first.

My real name isn’t Ramona, but for the purpose of keeping my confidentiality, I’m going to call myself that. I’m currently a 19 year old college student. I also suffer from bipolar disorder and anorexia.

I was formally diagnosed with both 4 months ago in September when I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital due to suicidal tendencies, but I had self-diagnosed with both illnesses back in middle school. I had a period of good psychiatric health, but ever since 5 or 6 months ago, my symptoms have returned.

After reading several other confessional blogs, I was inspired (?) to start my own in order to: a) help people understand what it REALLY is like for those who suffer from these disorders
b) share my experiences with the disorders
and c) hopefully get people to be more open about taking about their own problems.

This blog doesn’t advocate or promote unhealthy eating, even if I post thinspiration or whatever I just want to get the truth out there about what it is like to live with these disorders.

I guess that’s all I have to write about for now. Feel free to comment or join or whatever; I don’t know how Blogger works very well yet.